


is it supposed to hurt this bad

by SoupyGoopy



Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2020-03-08 01:43:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18885565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoupyGoopy/pseuds/SoupyGoopy
Summary: They don't really know.





	1. is it supposed to hurt this bad?

**Author's Note:**

> Um, first fic. Comment whatever, do whatever, doesn't really matter to me. Thanks.

Violet looked at the floor, her heart aching as she saw Louis and Clementine talking, big dopey grins on their faces. She felt her nose burn and tears clouded her vision. She shifted in her seat, turning away from the couple.

Is it supposed to hurt this bad? Violet rubbed her face tiredly, standing up to get away from it all. She walked briskly to the restroom, and thoughts clouded her head.

Does she remember me? Am I worse than him? Does she remember her promise? Why am I such a wreck? Was I always second? Why can't she just look at me?

She was pulled out of her thoughts when she saw the restrooms. Violet took the last stall, the one on the very right, and gently placed the lid down. It was too early for anyone to have used it, leaving it clean and pristine. Violet sat down and tried to regain her composure. 

You've already had your chance, you've had it and she doesn't want you anymore, get over it. It's going to be okay, alright? In ten years you're gonna look back and laugh at how stupid you were. You won't even remember Clementine's name, she's just going to be an ordinary dumb girl you dated. 

Violet sighed, her breath stuttering all the while. She shoved her backpack in the corner where no one could see it, and lifted her knees to her chest. 

God, you're so fucking pathetic to have thought that she loved you, we're too young to even know what love is, you were stupid to think that your whole relationship was more than just a little fling. 

Violet's eyes burned at that thought. She put the ends of her cold palms over her hot eyes. 

I really need to get it together.

She sniffled and swallowed the hard lump in her throat, and tore off a square or two of toilet paper. She crumpled it up, her nostrils flaring as she narrowed her eyes. 

I fucking hate myself, why am I blaming me when she was the one who did it, she was the one who decided I wasn't good enough. 

Violet stared at the stall door, wondering when it would fully hit her that Clementine was never going to be with her again. She let herself slump further into the toilet, her back protesting but not loud enough for her to care. She shoved the paper in her pocket. 

Fuck Clementine, fuck Louis, fuck everyone. 

She huffed and put her feet down on the floor, bouncing her leg anxiously. She felt a tear run down her cheek. 

It's going to be okay, you're going to be okay. Just . . . get through the day, alright? C'mon, take a breath and chill. 

Violet bit her lip and took a deep breath. She stood up, wiped her face, slung her backpack on her shoulder, and left the stall, staring at herself in the mirror. Her deep dark bags contrasting with the puffy red of her eyes and the pale white skin of her face. She splashed her face with water. 

Alright, whatever, you look like shit but it's okay. Just get through this.

She sighed and left the restroom to go to her first period, already dreading the rest of the day.


	2. is she supposed to be this careless?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clementine doesn't really know either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really expect to make another chapter, but uh, here it is. I might make more, but don't get your hopes up. Um, enjoy and tell me what you thought. Thanks.

Clementine blushed as Louis kissed her cheek, his lips so soft and warm. She smiled bashfully and giggled, feeling herself swoon. Louis grinned, his eyes twinkling, and said goodbye, leaving Clementine to replay the moment over and over again in her mind. She touched her cheek gently, her heart beating much too fast, and butterflies swarmed her gut. She left slowly, almost as if she left too quickly the memory of Louis' lips on her skin would disappear. 

Clementine blinked a couple times, looking around confused, her head moving around rapidly and her pace faltering. She moved to the side of the hallway. She didn't know what she was looking for, but she knew something was missing. Scratching her head, Clementine furrowed her brow and bit her lip harshly, the many teenagers walking and chattering disorienting her further.

What the fuck am I missing? What am I looking for goddammit? Louis already left, so then what -

Her eyes widened, stomach dropping straight to the floor in realization. 

Shit. 

Violet. She was looking for Violet.

Violet was a difficult subject for Clementine to broach. She didn't know how to feel, but at least she knew what she had done. Well, not really. She knew that Violet had some sort of grip on what happened. She wished she understood what she had done. 

Fuck, why did you have to bring her up, huh? And after such a good day. Shit shit shit. 

Clementine felt the heavy weight of guilt and grief on her chest forcing the breath out of her. Adrenaline ran through her veins at the thought of her bright green eyes and blonde hair. Her hands balled up into fists, nails digging into her palms harshly. 

It's fine. Think about something else, think about Louis -

But how could she. God, how could she.

You didn't have a problem thinking about him before, what's different.

Did I fucking ask?

I mean . . . sorta.

Christ, I'm losing it.

Her eyes looked to the floor for answers it didn't have. She felt her stomach twist and turn.

I'm gonna fucking vomit.

A memory bubbled to the surface of her mind, breaking her out of her quiet panic. Violet sobbing, snot on her sleeve, tears running down her splotchy red cheeks, a mess. Clementine fiddling with her thumbs, thinking about Louis and his smile and the twinkle in his eyes. So what if she had only known him for a couple months? He'll be there waiting once she's over her.

"This has been the best two years of my life," Clementine said softly, "I'm sorry. I need to work on myself."

She wondered if she could go to Hell for thinking about Louis while breaking up with her girlfriend. She bit the inside of her cheek.

Violet's lip was bleeding but she continued to bite it. Clementine had the urge to clean it. Lick it. Suck on it. It wasn't a good idea. 

"It's fine. It'll be okay. I can wait." Violet whispered, her voice cracking and stuttering.

It was too nice of a day for a girl that pretty to be crying.

Clementine licked her lips.

"I don't know how long it'll take, I want you to be happy."

"I'm not going to be for a long while, Clementine."

Fuck, was she actually doing this? It felt like an out of body experience, and even now she wasn't sure if it was her. The fear, hurt, and hope in Violet's eyes was an image Clementine wouldn't forget anytime soon.

Clementine was hit with another memory, one from what seemed like a century ago. 

"What's your biggest fear?"

Violet looked away from Clementine's gaze for a second, her eyes shifty and skittish, the bed quietly creaking underneath them. It had took Clementine so much time to get Violet to open up to her, and she was so close to having it. She didn't know what _it_ was, but she couldn't wait for it. Cracking open Violet was something Clementine took joy in, she loved the fondness Violet had for her, and the delicate way Violet would hand Clementine her secrets and close guarded feelings. She felt like a surgeon carefully cracking someone's chest open, and she was anxious to have the full display. 

Violet hummed nervously, and popped her knuckles one by one. It reminded Clementine of a bomb. Violet looked at her, green eyes full of mistrust and hope. 

"I'm scared of not being enough for others." Whispered Violet, her voice wavering.

Clementine remembered the full and wonderful feeling of her heart swelling in appreciation for the trust Violet was carefully handing her. She also remembered the thick, heavy tension that hung in the air, the heat in her belly, and longingly staring at Violet's lips. 

Clementine fully realized what she was doing when she broke things off. She knew what she would lose. But it was hard. It was hard accepting she didn't have her trust anymore. She didn't have her rock anymore. She didn't have _her_ anymore. She still didn't know how to feel about it though, her heart aching and twisting in a gut wrenching way.

Fuck, what the fuck have I done?

Clementine closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and lifted her head. Forcing her feet to move, she walked to her next class with her chest feeling hollow and guilt seeping into her bones.


	3. was she always this pretty?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, she always was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Uh, thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. (:

Violet was used to Clementine's mistreatment of her. It wasn't something she was fond of, but over the course of time, she grew used to it. Whether it was Clementine making her feel second, or Clementine trapping her in the relationship, Violet was used to being Clem's dish rag. She never saw it as a big deal before. Now it was something that hadn't left her mind. It was like an giant obnoxious neon arrow pointing at a lump of dirt underneath a rug, and Violet was the tired housewife who was left to deal with it. But for now, she would just stare at it, as if her glare would make it go away. 

Staring only made her more resentful.

Fuck, how fucking dare she lie to me, how dare she manipulate me. God, I was so fucking stupid to give her my damn sympathy when I was the one who needed it. Fuck her and her shitty fucking boyfriend. What a stupid, heartless, careless bitch. 

Violet seethed quietly as the girl in the stall next to her peed. She shifted and crossed her legs, right over left, and scratched her brow, hissing as she hit a pimple. She pulled her hand away and saw bloody pus under her fingernail. Flicking it away, she grimaced slightly when it hit the floor. She enjoyed the subtle throb of her brow as her eyes roamed the dirty tile.

I fucking hate her for manipulating me. I fucking hate her and I wish I could take away Louis so she has no one.

Violet wished that she could mean everything she thought. She wished she could yell and scream at Clementine for hours. Reality told her that she was just heartbroken and using anger as a way to cope. Violet often shoved that thought to the back of her mind, especially nowadays, when it seemed like every emotion was taking her on a fucked up rollercoaster ride. 

She desperately wanted her anger to be a product of the realization that Clementine treated her like shit, but she knew better. Violet knew she would gladly let Clementine treat her like a door mat if it meant it would make her happy. It made her ashamed that she put up with Clementine's shit for this long, and the worse thing about it was the fact she would do it all again in a heartbeat.

However, even though she didn't mean it, Violet knew that Clementine deserved every awful - and sometimes ridiculous - thing that came into her head. The way Clementine had replaced her was disgusting, and this thought wasn't exclusive to just her. She heard the things being whispered in the halls as she walked class to class. They weren't kind. 

Violet hated how everyone knew. They would look at her and she would see the sympathy ooze from their pores. She appreciated it, the collective understanding that Clementine was the "bad guy", but at the end of the day all she received was pity. She was tired of it. 

The toilet next to her flushed. Violet's lip twitched as she decided she was finished having her revenge fantasies, and stood slowly, the creaking in her knees alarming her a little.

I really need to go to class before they start thinking I died.

Violet stood and touched the lock on the stall door, her fingers twitching. She felt a wave of cold wash over her body, followed by a full body shiver. She took a deep breath and unlocked the door. She paused, taking a short second to regret her all of her life's decisions, she then pushed the door open.

Hazel turned to meet green. Violet felt her heart stop and ache and flutter all at the same time and it felt awful. She rolled her eyes as a light blush coated her cheeks. Clementine's expression was unreadable, a soft sigh leaving her lips as she moved her gaze back to her reflection. 

You know what? God really does love me. He loves me because he loves to fucking laugh at me. My life is joke.

Adrenaline ran through Violet's veins, toes curling in her tattered old sneakers.

Why are you just standing there, go fucking do something! You've been dreaming about this for weeks! Move! Say something to her!

Violet felt the air change into one of anticipation and nostalgia. Violet looked at the floor and tried to make sense of her jumbled thoughts. They both opened their mouths.

Okay, now let her have it and don't seem as pathetic as you are. Don't do anything stupid or -

"Oh."

Violet's eyes widened comically, and she closed her mouth. Clementine resumed washing her hands. Violet furrowed her brow and felt a surge of annoyance wash over her.

What the fuck does that even mean? Oh? What does oh mean? What does she mean, oh?

Words tumbled out of her mouth before she even realized, and Violet became as stiff as a board.

"I - I um, I wanted to uh, say something to you," Violet's voice wavered as she saw Clementine perk up. Clementine wiped her wet hands on her jeans, shaking her head as her stone eyes bore holes into Violet. 

"Yeah? Well what is it?" Clementine said impatiently. Violet wanted to crawl in a hole as she felt her cheeks flush. The fluorescent lights hummed. She took in a shaky breath, and braced herself.

God, I wish I hated you. I wish I had the guts to break up with you when you told me you liked Louis.

"I - I," Violet stammered and cleared her throat. "Fuck you, Clementine." 

Violet ignored the way her voice shook and cracked, and prayed Clementine would too. She cringed internally. 

Nice job, that so didn't scream, "Hey, I'm pathetic."

Clementine's cold uncaring facade faded into a defensive expression, her eyes hardening and stance shifting from relaxed to tense. Violet straightened, her scowl deepening when Clementine's gaze shifted to the floor.

It reminded Violet of the first time they had fought. It was trivial and they made out afterwards. She would've done anything to have gone back in time and relive it. Hell, she would've done anything to relive any moment with Clementine that wasn't the one currently happening.

What do I say now? Should I wait? Should I leave?

The tension was thick and heavy and awkward and Violet really loathed it. She especially hated how she knew that Clementine was oblivious to everything she caused. 

"I'm so sorry, Vi."

Violet narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms, anger filling her veins. 

"No you're not."

"Yes I am, Christ, I'm so fucking sorry." 

Violet was dangerously close to boiling over. She took a deep breath and counted to ten, trying to keep her anger in the back of her mind controlled. She wanted Clementine to have the well put together side of that anger, not the true burning rage she felt.

"You aren't sorry when you're kissing Louis, are you? You weren't sorry when you lied to my fucking face. You weren't sorry when I was practically fucking begging for you to take me back. You especially weren't fucking sorry when you _hid_ your stupid fucking relationship from me. Don't tell me you're sorry Clementine, we both know you're not fucking sorry." 

Violet huffed and tears ran down her cheeks. She wiped them away angrily and set her jaw painfully. Clementine looked at her and walked closer. Violet took a step back and saw the hurt flash through Clementine's eyes. She rolled her eyes.

"You don't understand - "

Violet scoffed and laughed, "I'm starting to think _you_ don't understand. What the fuck is there to understand? You left me for another shitty person, Clementine! I can't fucking imagine what would be so hard to understand about that." 

Clementine shook her head and knit her brows, the florescent lights making her look exhausted and washed out. She crossed her arms.

"I'm really sorry, Violet. I'm so sorry. What else do you want from me? How do I make you believe me?"

Violet looked at her incredulously, her anger roaring.

"Sorry isn't fucking cutting it, Clementine! What the fuck is sorry going to do? You need a whole lot more than sorry to make up for _all_ the crap you've put me through, you worthless piece of shit!" 

Clementine flinched and looked down. Violet ran a hand through her messy hair.

"What _else_ do you want from me? The fucking audacity you have. Clementine, I've given you so fucking much, but all you do is take! You're selfish and one of the few fucking times I need something, you _still_ somehow manage to twist it to make it about you. All I wanted is some damn empathy from you when we broke up. I needed you to let me down easy. But you didn't, you dropped me like some fucking toy and picked up another."

Violet stared at Clementine, her nostrils flaring and wet with snot. Her jaw ached from how hard she was clenching it. Violet looked at her head to toe and hated how her heart fluttered and twisted. It hit her hard that Clementine still is the person Violet loves. Violet had an overwhelming urge to hug Clementine and slip her cold clammy hands underneath Clem's soft worn hoodie. She could feel the ghost of Clementine's warm soft skin on her fingertips, and she could even smell her shampoo. Violet huffed and turned her gaze to the floor.

Was she always this pretty? I don't understand how but she's still so fucking gorgeous. I wish I was blind. I wish I never met her. 

I wish I still had her.

Violet forced herself to try to relax, but it only made her want more. She wanted to feel Clementine's lips on her cheek and her soft curls and her thumb on the back of her hand. She wanted to feel the hot of her neck and the smooth of her back and the sharpness of her nails. She wanted her lips and her touch and her beautiful deep honey eyes to be for her and her only. Violet felt her fingers twitch and gathered her thoughts, letting her heart feel the deep awful ache of want and the hollowness of loss. She licked her lips.

"And - and if I could tell you something that would make you come back to me I would, but you obviously don't want me, and I don't even think you loved me," Violet croaked, hot tears blurring her vision once more. 

Violet sniffed and leaned against the wall, trying desperately to control herself and her emotions. It wasn't working. She stared at the ceiling and wiped her face, smearing snot and tears on her sleeve. 

I still feel like shit. Why did I do this? Why did I think this would make me feel better?

Violet slid down the wall, leaving her sitting and with her knees to her chest. Clementine looked at her, eyes red and puffy. 

"Violet, I didn't mean for things to end this way." 

Violet rolled her eyes and counted the marks on the tile underneath her feet, trying to quell her screaming anger.

"Fuck off, Clementine."

Clementine bit her lip and sighed.

Clementine left. Violet slowly stood, her anger turning into a bone deep tiredness she was all too familiar with. She went back into the stall and locked it hesitantly, silently hoping that Clementine would come back and fix everything she had done. 

Violet sat on the toilet and hid her face in her hands, quiet hot tears seeping out between her fingers. 

Fuck me and my stupid decisions.


	4. was she always this worthless?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not until now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't edit or revise so sorry not sorry if it seems a little wonky. Thanks for still reading it though. :)

When Clementine left the bathroom, she was crying. Being called worthless by the person who was once the most important thing in her life wasn't a slap on the wrist, it was like a kick right up the urethra. She sighed and tried to ignore the terrible weight that sat on her chest and shoulders. 

It's true, isn't it? I'm selfish. Worthless. A piece of shit. 

Clementine stumbled on air as she walked to the stairway. She crawled underneath the long tall stairs, curled up into a ball, and braced herself for the next couple of minutes. Panic was building and simmering and it was going to boil over. She felt her chest tighten and constrict as her head felt like it was submerged underwater. It was oddly calming. For a clear short moment, she didn't mind drowning in bright green, red rimmed eyes, and soft short blonde hair. 

But then the fear came back. The weights and burdens came back. Everything came back and it crashed down in waves. So many waves. Back to back. And Clementine, underneath a dark, dirty stairwell, never felt more ashamed and lost. 

Stupid and worthless. Worthless and stupid. Worthless. Stupid. Worthlessly stupid. No, stupidly worthless.

She knew that this was it. She was realizing what she had really done. It felt like shit. Clementine trembled and whimpered as tears ran down her cheeks and snot congested her nostrils, trailing down her lips in a slimy wet path. Her head pounded and throbbed. 

Clementine replayed the scene. Violet's defensive and cold eyes, the emotions bubbling underneath, and the angry blush coating her cheeks and ears. She had never seen Violet so closed off. It reminded her of when she first met Violet, all those years ago. Cold walls to hide her soft beautiful person. 

She smiled wearily at the memories. Bittersweet. Disgustingly sappy. She missed them. Louis could never replace that. Louis could never replicate the feeling of affection and joy when Violet gave that and more. She tried to convince herself that he would be better, that it was far too early to tell, but she knew he couldn't compare. She closed her eyes and let the hot fat tears fall. Her heart ached and twisted, a feeling that left her empty. It left her wanting something to fill the void.

She hated how her thoughts immediately went to Louis. She hated how her heart raced when she saw him. She hated how she had fallen so fucking quick. She hated _him_. In that moment, she absolutely loathed _him_. _Him_ and his stupid smile. _Him_ and his stupid jokes. _Him_ and his stupid charm. _Him_ and his stupid everything. If she had never met _him_ , she wouldn't be here. She wouldn't be crying underneath the stairwell with her heart aching in such a way it left her gasping for air. She wouldn't have lost what was essentially the love of her life. She wouldn't have been so fucking stupid and dumb and worthless and . . . and disgusting. 

Maybe I'm in denial. Maybe I'm in the right and everybody else is wrong. Maybe I did the right thing for her. Fuck, I'm stupid. I don't deserve anyone. Was I always this fucking worthless? Did I really toy with her or . . . or is she being dramatic?

Clementine pushed the answer into the depths of her mind. She didn't want to face that. Not yet. She sat up and huffed as the cold wall bore holes into the back of her head. She turned.

"Fuck are you lookin' at? Huh? Fuck you!"

Her voice echoed in empty stairway, and it frightened her. Clementine slapped the wall once and pressed her forehead against it, too tired to be angry. She blinked and sniffled. What wasn't she tired of? 

Louis, apparently. You shoved him in front of her and get angry when she calls you out for it. 

Clementine rolled her eyes. 

Shut up. 

She rubbed her face tiredly with her gritty hand.

Fuck, I'm really losing it. 

Clementine wiped her hands on her jeans. 

Fuck it, I'm walking home. Fuck school. Fuck all of this.

Her mind wandered and twirled around the thought of skipping school, and going home, but it was haunted by the disappointed looks of everyone she knew. She sighed and stood.

Maybe walking home isn't a great idea. There are cops here anyways, don't wanna risk getting in trouble. 

She swished air around her mouth and coughed up some snot. She winced as she spit it out, the wet slap of it against the floor loud and obnoxious. She shoved her hands in her pockets and quickly thought about her options.

I need to go back to class, people won't know that I've been crying, right?

She thought about her puffy eyes that were much too hot, her messy, frizzy hair, clogged nose, and gray dirty hands.

They'll definitely know. Fuck.

She paced in the stairwell, anxiety shaking her bones as she weighed her options.

There's always the restrooms. Just go to another one that Violet isn't in. 

Clementine paused and shook her head, dread sinking deep into her stomach. There weren't many options. 

Just get through the day. 

Clementine's eyes watered at the thought of it. She was not stable enough to last the day, and she knew it. Her lip twitched. 

I need to go get my stuff. Come on, get it together. 

She took a deep breath and grimaced as too hot tears rolled down her splotchy cheeks. She wiped them away as quick as they came and stepped out into the hallway. 

God, I really fucking hate myself.


	5. why did she say that?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was better than nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Uh, do whatever. Thanks for reading. (:

Feeling like absolute shit was a new skill Clementine had recently mastered. She would wake up in the morning feeling drained from the nightmare she had about Violet, trying to ignore the memory of Violet's cold angry stare. Her mind would run from it, as if she could somehow lose it like how she would lose a pencil or keys.

She never forgot it. It lurked and paced in the back of her mind, and sometimes it sprinted to the front.

It was a cycle of running and resting, and it would take Clementine for a ride, the highs and lows leaving her more and more exhausted each day. It was like it had created a nice little nest in Clementine's hollow chest, and it was burrowing deeper down inside her ribcage and crawling up her throat, eating her from the inside out. 

She never knew what it was. Every shitty emotion felt like it. 

The days dragged on and on and on and on, with Clementine avoiding Violet every chance she got, no matter how much it would inconvenience her. Everything screamed at her to avoid Violet. The adrenaline that coursed through her veins at the thought of seeing Violet was enough to make her hands and knees shake, and she hated herself for it. She was such a fucking coward it disgusted her. She would walk, borderline run, to her next class, not stopping for anyone who called her name, and anytime she saw short blonde hair in the halls, her heart would skip a beat. 

The restrooms were a whole other game. She hadn't used one since the "incident". But today was different. Today, she needed one badly. Too many people were in the halls and they were all judging her. She refused to cry, not at school. Not in front of everyone. She would've used her car if it weren't for not having a pass. Pride kept her from asking for one. Pride kept her from doing a lot these days. 

Clementine stepped inside the busy restroom and took one of the stalls to wait for it to clear out. She stood and listened to the chatter, hoping it would calm her jumpy nerves. She took deep breaths and focused on reading the various scrawls on the walls. 

Paranoia and fear ruled her life in school, guilt and shame at home. She knew it needed to stop soon. Her grades were dropping, and her friends pestered her with questions about her well being. Louis was even more worried, asking her to spill her guts everyday, only showing more and more patience in response to Clementine's excuses. She was tired. So tired. 

Once the bell rang and the rest of the girls cleared out, Clementine stepped out and walked to the sink, heels scraping the floor. 

Get through the day. Things will be better tomorrow.

She knew they wouldn't be but she was too stubborn to admit it. 

Clementine gripped opposite ends of the sink tightly and grimaced, her eyes fluttering shut as she tucked her chin into her chest.

"Hey." 

Her jaw clenched. Clementine knew that stupid fucking voice. That voice had been haunting her for weeks, taunting her and dragging Clementine around like a hooked fish. She tried to calm her too fast heart and anxious limbs, and felt a wave of heat. Too tired to stop the rush of panic, Clementine sighed, her heartbeat beating much too loud in her head. 

"You look like shit."

Clementine opened her eyes lazily, tiredness stinging throughout them, and avoided Violet's harsh gaze as she rolled her bloodshot eyes. She looked at her reflection. Tense, cramping shoulders, frizzy, unkempt hair, oily, pale skin. She was right, but Clementine didn't want admit it. Admitting it would mean coming to terms with how fucked up she was. She tried to ignore her shaky hands.

I haven't been sleeping at night since all I do in bed is cry or think of you or have an existential crisis or have nightmare, but okay, whatever, not a big deal.

Annoyance rippled through her. Clementine licked her chapped cracked lips and narrowed her eyes. 

"You're one to talk, you could carry groceries in your deep ass bags."

She turned, crossed her arms, and saw Violet's mouth close and open like a fish out of water. Blush rose to Violet's ears and cheeks quickly as Clementine ignored her fluttering heart. 

Why the fuck did I say that.

Violet tried to suppress a grin before she lost it. She laughed hysterically and snorted, only laughing harder when Clementine turned red and giggled. Their laughs echoed loudly in the restroom, the suffocating tension breaking in an airy floating one. Their laughter died.

Fuck me, why can't this last forever. God, I wish I could forget everything. 

Clementine squirmed underneath Violet's gaze and held her breath, eyes never leaving Violet's as she stepped closer. Her heart was in her throat. 

"I um . . . I think we should talk. About - about us. No yelling this time, I promise." 

Clementine knew this was coming. She knew it was coming since they had the first talk. It didn't stop the nervous waves of chills that went down her spine though. She thought briefly about running away, but couldn't bring it in herself to do so. To just run and hide and wallow in self pity where no one could see her. 

"Okay." 

Clementine winced at the sound of her voice cracking. She felt the tips of her ears grow hot. She heard Violet giggle humorlessly for a second before she cleared her throat. 

"I guess I'll see you after school . . . ?"

Clementine nodded mindlessly, still in disbelief. Violet's brows rose as if she was surprised. Clementine wouldn't blame her if she was, Clementine's worst nightmare was essentially happening before her very eyes. 

"Um . . . do you still park in the same space?" 

Clementine felt words tumble out of her mouth. She almost choked on her tongue. Her mouth felt like a desert.

"Yeah, same place as always."

Violet nodded and picked at her finger. Clementine saw it was bleeding, old and new blood mixing into a thick chunky liquid that made Clementine disgustingly mesmerized. It pooled and started to run down her finger.

Violet looked up at Clementine and felt a pang in her heart. Unsaid words left the air heavy between them. Clementine's lip twitched as she met Violet's eyes. Warmth flooded her chest and a faint smile danced across her lips at the sight of them. They reminded her of Louis' eyes sometimes, they way they would become soft and dreamy. 

Clementine didn't want to admit she was forcing the comparison.

She also didn't want to admit she missed that gaze. 

Violet sighed and began walking out of the restroom.

"I'll see you then."

Clementine watched her leave, dazed on Violet's lingering scent. She rubbed her eyes and enjoyed the splashes of color that bled through the black static. 

Get through the day. Things will be better tomorrow.

Liar.

Whatever.

Clementine blinked away her tears and trudged on.


	6. don't be stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anticipation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Its been a while and I decided to keep going with this fic. Do whatever. (:

Violet felt sick. She felt the chaotic waves of anxiety lurking underneath her skin, and it made her twitch. 

Her cold facade was broken by the anxious biting of her bloody fingernails and the tremble of her hands. She felt cold, and her hands were disgustingly clammy. Slimy, red, and raw fingers connected to a stickier, damp palm. She felt gross in a way she couldn't describe, as if talking to Clementine had given her a disease. 

Violet stumbled through the day and tried to keep her balance, teetering and swaying towards the edge of the tightrope several times, refusing to fall even if it meant the rope made her feet bleed and her legs scream. 

I don't want to be here right now. 

Violet pulled her hood over her eyes and slumped in her chair, internally groaning at the sound of the bell. Her heart skipped a beat at the realization that she only had one class left before school ended. She sat up and rubbed her tired eyes, stressed about nothing and everything. A strange calmness washed over her as she put up her notebook and pen.

It'll all be okay. After today, it will all be okay. We're gonna talk, and then I can finally move on. I'm not going to twist this into something it's not. 

She swallowed and popped her knuckles, her lip twitching at the thought of the amount of homework she had to do. She brushed the thought aside and walked to her final class, various conversations entering and clearing the clutter in her head. She counted her steps mindlessly. 

One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four.

Violet looked up and felt her eye twitch as she ran through the long mantra she still hadn't gotten out of habit. She felt her heart flutter and sighed, annoyed by her traitor of a body.

Where's Clementine? Oh wait, that's right, she broke up with you, fucking dumbass. 

She looked anyways, hopeful at even catching a glimpse of tight brown curls. She knew Clementine avoided her. She didn't like to think about it too much, the sting and ache in her chest worsened at the thought of it. Violet sighed as her heart beat slowed and softened in disappointment. 

She looked at the ground as she walked into her next class, burdened with the sudden thought of responsibility. She sighed.

Let's get this over with so I can go cry in Clementine's car or whatever.


	7. So, where would you like to go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She would've gone to Mars if she had asked her to.

Clementine went through the day in a trance, her eyes drooping every period. She felt anxious of course, but it was overshadowed by the crushing weight of her exhaustion. She wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and cry herself to sleep. 

The final bell rang and Clementine silently thanked a nonexistent god and put away her things. She walked through the bussling hall, heels dragging, hands shaking. Wiping her clammy hands on her dirty jeans, she tried to remember her body was hers, snorting when she realized the only thing she could recognize was as her own was her phone. 

She felt her heartbeat in her throat and it made her want to claw and tear at her heart until it was shreds. 

God, am I really in this bitch right now? Am I Clementine?

She glanced at her dry hands. 

Those are my hands? Jesus. 

Her feet took her to the restroom, her eyes slightly widening when she realized she was staring at her own reflection. It looked like she had aged ten years since she last spoke to Violet. She gripped the sides of the sink and took a deep breath. 

You're gonna be fine. You'll be okay. Just don't say anything stupid. This is you. You are you. You are in you. Therefore you should think about how things will affect you. Because you are you.

She felt like an outsider observing in. She felt a sort of subdued panic bubble beneath her skin. 

"You are you. You are here." She tapped her chest and then her head. "You are Clementine." 

Jesus you actually are losing it. 

Shut up, I'm fine.

That's not what your tear stained pillow said last night. 

She laughed and shook her head. 

Okay but I'm alive aren't I?

Clementine felt her body sag as if it were filled with weights.

Yeah but are you really?

She cursed under her breath and sighed. She took out her keys and shook them, hoping the jingle of the keys would wake her up. They only made her stomach sink sink sink. Her vision blurred with hot tears that she furiously blinked away. She bit her tongue.

Okay, game plan.

Clementine pointed at her reflection and sniffled while desperately trying to ignore her red puffy eyes and the hot metallic dribble that her tongue gushed. 

Drive and don't cry while driving, you might crash. Go wherever and cry. Drop her off, cry in the driveway, cry driving home, cry in that driveway, then go to bed. 

She blinked and scratched her hand while taking a long shaky breath. 

Yeah, sounds good. 

You will be okay.

Clementine rolled her eyes at the thought and closed them, wishing the sting of her tired bloodshot eyes would go away. Wishing the fog of her groggy mind would lift. Quietly wishing she had never left Violet. 

She blinked away more tears.

Clementine felt number than she had ever felt before, her heart was racing but her mind barely registered the adrenaline. 

She walked out of the restroom and headed to the parking lot, each step feeling heavier and heavier. Clementine looked at her car. She shifted her backpack as she saw Violet wave and she felt her knees threatening to buckle underneath her. Her eyes watered and the dull throb of panic underneath her skin became a sharp one that didn't let her form a coherent thought. 

Just fucking go.

She grimaced and pinched herself until her tears dried and her shaking hands steadied themselves. She took one last deep breath and continued walking to her car. She didn't look at Violet as she fumbled with her keys.

"Hey."

"Hi."

Clementine unlocked her car and threw her backpack in the backseat, as did Violet, and sat in the driver's seat. 

She waited for Violet to sit down, and turned on her car, the keys slippery from her clammy hands. Clementine forced a smile and turned to look at Violet, her knuckles white from her tight grip on the steering wheel.

"So, where would you like to go?"


End file.
